


What Should Have Been

by ISpeakBark



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Angst, Godfather Sirius Black, Harry Potter was Raised by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-01 01:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14509305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ISpeakBark/pseuds/ISpeakBark
Summary: One night the world came crashing down, but maybe Harry can be the catalyst to help the remaining Marauders start to heal in the wake of tragedy. (Wolfstar Raising Harry AU)





	1. The Night the World Stopped Turning

 

Death doesn’t discriminate  
Between the sinners and the saints  
It takes and it takes and it takes  
And we keep living anyway  
\--"Wait for it" by Lin-Manuel Miranda

 

 

It was late. The world outside having long been to sleep and the only sound to be heard was the faint wind blowing through the leaves of nearby trees.  
Remus opened the door to the small shared cottage on the outskirts of town. He walked in trying to make as little noise as possible as he toed off his shoes by the door. He then flipped on a small light nearby only to jump in surprise as it illuminated a figure sitting in a worn chair nursing a glass of what he knew was firewhiskey. He could smell it, even from his position across the room. The other man downed the rest of his drink silently.

"Sirius, I didn't expect you to be up." Remus says as he makes his way over to him.  
Sirius placed his cup on the side table with a force Remus wasn't expecting. The grey eyes of the man refused to meet his. It was no secret that things had been strained between them lately. They had found out there was a traitor amung them and it was leaving everyone on edge. It further strained the two men's relationship with the fact that Remus would leave for days at a time on missions he was sworn not to tell anyone about. It caused enough friction between them and he knew that Sirius only suspected sinister motives. He wasn't sure when Sirius stopped trusting him and that alone hurt the most.

"Funny," he says in a voice that was too calm. "I expected you home two days ago and you are late again. No word. No nothing. Let me guess? Secret mission took longer then expected?" There was no mistake in the venom that had crept into his voice.

Remus sighed. This wasn't the first time they had had this conversation in the last few months. There had been many bitter fights and nights spent sleeping on the couch. He rubbed the bridge of his nose not wanting to have this argument again. It was late and he was bone tired. He had hoped that they could skip their usual fight and just go to sleep. No such luck.

 

"Sirius, we have had this conversation over and over. You know I can't tell you. I have my orders-" He trails off. Sirius raises his hand to cut him off and shakes his head. "We are all on the same side. We all have the same end game. Don't you trust me? Or was that's lie?" Remus clenched his fists and stood up a little straighter.

"Trust? You want to talk about trust? How about we talk about when you stopped trusting me? When did that happen?" Remus growels out. He was worn thin and he wasn't about to just tuck his tail between his legs and back off. Not this time. "I have never given you any reason not to trust me. I have never given any reason for any of you not to trust me."

Sirius stands up and walks up to him. There was anger in the others eyes. "Rumor has it...you know who...is trying to form an alliance. With your...kind." he says in a steely voice and it causes the tawny man's eyes to widen in realization.

"My kind? You mean werewolves? So all these years of you telling me I am not a monster and now you are accusing me because I am one? How dare you! You of all people. Fuck you Sirius Black!" Remus spits out his eyes wet with pain and betrayal. "What about you? How do we know you aren't the traitor? You're a Black after all. You almost made me a murderer back in school. Bet that made dear old mummy proud." He bites out.

In one smoothe motion, Sirius picks up the empty glass and sends it hurtling across the room and smashing against the far wall. He action made Remus jump and he took a step back. He would have liked to think he would never hurt him, but then again he never thought Sirius would turn on him. His hand lowered to where they both knew his wand was. Instead of saying anything Sirius grabbed his coat and stormed out of the house slamming the door so hard behind him the windows rattled.

Remus let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and let out a soft sob that he had been holding back. This war was slowly taking away everything he had. Everything he was fighting for. Living for. He didn't even know if Sirius would be back. Was this the end?

Remus took a few calming breaths. Suddenly he felt like a stranger in his own home. He ran a shaking hand through his hair as he tried to process the reality of what just happened.

____________________________________

Sirius peeled out of the driveway on his beloved motorcycle, sending rocks spraying in every direction. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears as Remus' words rang in his head. He had tried his whole life to get away from the black family name, only to have it thrown in his face by not only his partner, but by the possible traitor. In his mind it all made sense. He hated to think that it was Remus, but it seemed like each day more things started to point in that direction. He seemed to be keeping so many secrets. They had always been so open with each other and lately it was like he barely knew him. Remus was gone days at a time and usually came back with some sort of injury. Not only that, but he had missed the last two moons, saying that he had to do it alone.

He shook his head to try and clear his thoughts and keep his focus on the road. He wouldn't be doing anyone any good if he crashed and got himself killed. He had once hinted the idea of Remus being the spy to James and he had nearly laughed him out of the house insisting it could never be him, but if it wasn't Remus, then who could it be? As much as Peter was apart of their group, he didn't think the little mousey boy would have it in him to betray them. That was the main reason Sirius had begged James to change secret keepers. No one would suspect Peter. In Sirius' mind it was the perfect plan.

He needed to talk to James. If anyone could help him get his thoughts straight it was him. James was brother in every way, except blood. Having decided, he started towards Godric's Hollow. He made the last minute decision to stop by Peter's on the way to check-in on him. He had seemed more nervous then usual and Sirius wanted to make sure he was doing ok. He figured it was the weight of being the secret keeper now that had him so twitchy, so Sirius promised him he would look out for him.

Sirius pulled up to the driveway and shut off his bike. He looked up at the house and frowned seeing the windows dark. The hair stood up on the back of his neck. Something felt very wrong. He hurried up to the door and knocked loudly. The knock echoed into the night, but then silence fell again. He tried the handle and was surprised to find the door unlocked.

 

Sirius walked in calling for his friend and was met with silence again. He looked around the house for any sign of him. Satisfied the house was emtpy he ran back to his bike and started it, his engine roaring to life. A feeling of dread had started to build in his guy as he raced to Godric's Hollow.

He skidded in the driveway and barely had the engine off before he jumped off, letting it fall over with a thud in his haste to make it up the steps of the porch. His heart started hammering in his chest when he noticed the door was already open. He pushed it open the rest of the way.

"JAMES? LILY?" he shouted and his breathing sped up with the lack of response. He tried to keep his panic under control. There was probally a good explaination. There had to be. He made his way to the living room and what he saw made his blood run cold. In the middle of the room lay his best friend. His eyes were open wide and lifeless. Sirius staggered over to him and collapsed to his knees. He grabbed on to his shirt and shook him as if to rouse him. Hoping that there was some way, any way that this was all a horrible nightmare.

"Prongs....no..please. You have to wake up...you can't be-" he choked off a sob and pulled the raven haired man into his lap and pressed his face into James cold, unmoving chest. He clung to him like a life line. He felt like he was drowning. He knew in that moment who had betrayed them. He felt guilty for suspecting his partner and then his anger flared for the one he had thought was their friend all along. He gently closed his friends eyes. It almost looked like he was sleeping, but the cold body in his arms was a cruel reminder of reality.

In his haze of grief, he remembered about the other occupents of the house. He gently laid James down and made his way up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He burst through the door to his godson's room hoping that they had managed to escape. He stopped short when he saw Lily just how he had found James. He knelt down and moved the hair from her face and kissed her forhead softly before shutting her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Lils...." He choked out.

Sirius' eyes fell on the crib in the room and he felt his breath stop. He didn't know if he could bear looking inside and finding the same fate had befallen his godson. He stood up slowly when he heard it. A small wimper from the crib emerged. Sirius was over there in an instant, hoping that what he had heard was real. He held his breath and he peered inside. Looking back up at him was little Harry. His eyes red and puffy from crying and clearly exhausted. How long had he been left here screaming out for his parents that would never come? The only thing out of place was the lightning shaped scar on his forhead.

As soon as Harry saw him, he made grabby hands frantically for his uncle.  
"Pa'foo.." he wimpers out insistantly; probally wondering why he wasn't being held already. Sirius reached in and scooped the small child in his arms. He held him close to his chest as he lets out a sob. Harry looks up and pats his cheek gently. Sirius' tears fall faster as he rocks the small boy.

He is pulled out of his grief for the second time that night by footsteps. Sirius pulled out his wand ready to fight. He peers out the window and lets out a relieved breath. It was Hagrid. He made his way downstairs, meeting him at the front door.

"They're.....they didn't make it." Sirius says, not able to meet his eyes. He jumps as a loud sob errupts from the giant in front of him. He looks up and Hagrid nods.  
"I know..and I came to get Harry." Hagrid says and Sirius' eyes go wide as he clutches the small bundle of baby in his arms and shakes his head.

"No. He is coming with me. I am his godfather! I promised James and Lily. He is coming with me." Sirius stood tall. It was hard to try and look intimidating to a giant, but he wasn't going to back down.

"Dumbledore said that he should go with his family. His aunt and Uncle-"

Sirius cut him off. "Those horrid people? No way in hell! Screw Dumbledore. He will have to go through me first." And with that Sirius moved past Hagrid and apperated away with a loud crack.

_____________________

Remus had just finished packing a few things in a bag and set it in the living room. It was obvious he couldn't stay. He didn't think Sirius wanted him there anymore anyway. He rubbed his red eyes in an attempt to stop the emotion that kept rushing forth. He felt absolutely gutted. He felt horrible about what he had said to Sirius and horrible he wouldn't trust him. Now he had lost him and he had never felt more empty in his life.

He was hoping to be gone before Sirius got home, but he stilled when he heard a crack of someone apparting outside. He took out his wand wondering who was outside. Sirius took his bike, so it couldn't be him. He was proven wrong when he walked in carrying a small bundle and looking completely broken. Remus tucked his wand away and stood there silently. Before he could say anything Sirius spoke in a small voice he almost had to strain to hear.

"They are gone..."

Remus furrowed his brow in confusion. "Who is gone? What are you talking about?" He said, preparing himself for another fight. Sirius walked over, revealing the small bundle in the blanket as Harry. Then suddenly all the pieces clicked.

"No...they can't be. Tell me you're lying!"

Sirius let out a breath "It was Peter....I went to check on him. He was long gone...this is all my fault. I..switched secret keepers last minute. I had hoped no one would suspect him. I'm sorry I never trusted you. That I never told you."

Remus didn't know what to say, but he knew he had to say something. He wanted to comfort him, but he didn't know if that was his place anymore. "It's not your fault. You didn't know. No one knew. It is a miracle that Harry is safe."

Sirius pulled Harry closer. "Dumbledore wanted him to go to Lily's sister. I couldn't let that happen. They are terrible people! I won't let that happen!"

Remus nodded and placed a hand on his shoulder. He was itching to just pull him into his arms, but their fight still weighed heavy on him. He wondered if Sirius would even let him. He looked down at the now sleeping child. "Right now, we worry about Harry. Tomorrow we will work through everything else." He said, calmer then he felt.

Sirius took in the packed bag that was by the door then looked back at Remus with pleading eyes. "Please don't leave. At least not tonight. Please..." Sirius begged. Remus nods softly. "I'll stay..." He replied. "Go lay with Harry. He can take my side of the bed. He shouldn't be alone. I'll...stay out here."

Sirius wanted to tell Remus to come lay with him. He didn't think eaither of them should be alone right now. He wondered how Remus was so calm about it all. Sirius stayed quiet and just nodded. He bid Remus goodnight and dissapeared into the bedroom.

Remus flipped off the light and laied himself out on the couch. He rolled over, his face pressed against the back of the couch. It was then that his calm demenor faded and he let himself break. He let out a small sob. He tried to keep himself quiet and pressed his face into the pillow to try and contain the sound of his harsh breathing and the sounds of pure anguish.

He was so lost in his grief that he didn't hear Sirius come into the room having heard his soft cries. He jumped when he felt Sirius lay down behind him and the wrap his arms around him. He tried to get a hold of himself, but it felt as if the world had collapsed around them both. Remus rolled over and wrapped his arms around his partner and burries his face into his chest. The sounds of both their sobbing filled the room as they both released the pain that weighed so heavy on them.

Things were not ok. Not even close. Things would never be the same again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been in the making for some time and I am actually quite anxious about it. It had been in my head a long while and after seeing some inspiration on my Tumblr I wanted to try my hand at it. I apologize for any mistakes. I did my best to sort out what I could, but sometimes I miss stuff. I also know some things may not be 100% accurate, but I tried to keep it as close as I could. I am currently re reading the books, but my memory is terrible.
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you all enjoy it. I plan to continue it. It was fun to write. 
> 
> I also didn't abandon my other series. My brain just wanted to get this out haha
> 
> Feel free to follow me on tumblr [HERE](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ispeakbark/)


	2. A Crash Course in Parenting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean for this to take so long. I actually had a bit of a hard time writing this and getting everything to fit in such a way so I took a few liberties as far as cannon goes, but seeing as this is an AU and moves away from cannon anyways then I could tweak things to make it so they can keep Harry. I also didn't want to rush it for the sake of just getting something out.
> 
> Also, thank you to those that have supported this story this far. That is amazing and I can't thank you enough! Hope you enjoy this next part. Let me know what you think!
> 
> Come follow me on tumblr  
> [HERE](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ispeakbark/)

 

The weird, weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you’re faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.  
—James Patterson

 

 

  
The sun was barely streaming through the windows when a cry jolted him from sleep. He didn't know when he had fallen asleep, but he was sure it wasn't for long. His head was pounding and his eyes were puffy and red. He was confused at the crying sound until suddenly the events of last night hit him full force and it all but nearly took his breath away.

Remus felt a pair of arms unwind from the tight hold around him and watched Sirius get up and head to the bedroom. Remus sits up slowly and stretches. He feels the firmiler ache underneath his skin. The full moon is a little more then a week away and he can start to feel that pull from inside. He can't explain it, but it is almost as if he can feel the wolf beneath the surface. The closer to the moon, then closer the wolf gets into his consiousness.

He shook his head banishing the thought. They had more important things to worry about. While Sirius was in with Harry, Remus went to the kitchen and started the coffee for Sirius and a cup of tea for himself. He tried to busy himself with small mundane tasks to try and keep himself from thinking too much. He swallowed past the lump in his throat.

By the time Sirius walks in, Remus has his coffee set at his spot for him. If he tried hard he could pretend last night was all a dream, but one look at Harry made the nightmare real. Sirius takes his seat with Harry in his lap.

"Good thing we still have some stuff here from when we last watched him." Sirius says gesturing to the clean diaper he had just put on him, but his voice doesn't hold the life that it usually does. His eyes are wet, but the tears remained unshed. Harry fusses quietly before looking over at Remus and holds his arms out to him.

"Moon!" He says squirming in Sirius' arms. Remus just looks at him. How much he looked like his father. How he had his mother's beautiful green eyes. He feels his chest clench, but tries to bury the feeling. When Remus didn't move Harry grunts and louder and more insistantly he shouts "Moon!"

Sirius smiles softly and holds Harry out to Remus. He slowly takes him from his arm Sirius gets up. "Sit and have your tea. I'll find something for Harry to eat. We have to have something." Remus sits at his chair, but his tea remains untouched. Hours ago he was ready to leave for good thinking Sirius hated him and thought he would betray them and now he is sitting in the kitchen with a now orphaned little boy. He was overwhelmed and he could tell Sirius was too. Neither have them had mentioned anything from the night before and Sirius seemed to be trying to pretend it didn't happen. To be honest, Remus felt like he was trying to do the same. Nothing felt real.

Remus looked down at the tiny bundle on his arms and pulled him tighter to his chest. The last living memory of their best friends. Their pack in Moony's eyes. He felt his eyes prickle with tears. He wondered how Sirius was keeping himself together, but he knew eventually he will fall and fall hard. Remus wanted to make sure he was there when it happened. He knew how reckless he could be. Dispite everything, the last thought in Remus' mind was leaving. He knew he wouldn't be able to. He loved him too much. They had a long way to go, though, until the trust would be there again.

Remus was startled out of his thoughts when a bowl of oatmeal was placed on the table and Sirius stood there as if looking lost.

"Sirius? Is that for Harry?" Remus prompts softly. Sirius nods and slides the bowl over to them. Remus slides it back. "Why don't you feed him? He always eats better for you." He says and gently hands him Harry. He had hoped that giving him something to do would help keep him more present and not so much in his head. Sirius starts to slowly feed him small spoons of oatmeal and says in a shakey voice. "We need to go shopping...for baby things....food...we need so much.." he says swallowing hard. "We can..move the things from the study...make it his room...we can paint it gold and red..." Sirius rambles. Remus stands up and places a firm hand on his shoulder. Sirius needed him to be strong, so he put his own emotions aside.

"It's ok Sirius. We will get it. Take a breath."

Sirius lets out a breath and looks down at Harry, a few tears falling on the small boy's jumper. "God he looks so much like James...." He choked out. Remus nods quietly and says back "He has his mother's eyes....."

Remus places a comforting hand on his shoulder. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't say everything was going to be ok because he himself wasn't sure if they would ever be. Remus took a chance and placed a quick kiss to the top of his head before he started picking up the dishes, throwing away his untouched tea and toast. He started to wash the dishes the muggle way. It helped keep himself busy.

His current thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock at the door. Remus shut the water off and dried his hands on a towel before looking over at Sirius. "Were we expecting anyone?"

Sirius shakes his head getting up quietly and hands Harry to Remus before putting a finger to his lips. Remus nods as Sirius takes out his wand and makes his way quietly to the door. It could be anyone, especially in the wake of last night. Sirius cautiously opens the door and his eyes go wide at the two figures on his door step. He puts his wand away and opens the door wider to let in the two figures.

"Good Evening, Sirius." Dumbledore says with a sad sort of smile. Sirius nodded in acknowledgement and turned to the other figure.

"Hey Minnie. Ravashing as always." Sirius tries to joke, but the smile never reaches his eyes. Minerva places a steady hand on his shoulder and gives him a soft, but sad smile of her own. Dumbledore had wanted her to come and maybe diffuse any situation considering how reckless Sirius can be, but she really just agreed to come to support the now broken boys who were once her favortie students. The deaths of the Potters hitting her almost as hard. Upon hearing who was in the house Remus makes his way out of the kitchen, clutching baby Harry close.

"I'm guessing you didn't come for a visit." Remus states. He would offer them a seat, but he knows what they are here for. If things get heated, no one will be sitting for very long. Remus sees his eyes move to Harry and he instinctively pulls him closer.

"We came for the well-being of little Harry here."Dumbledore said calmly. Sirius moved to step in front of Remus and Harry. He wasn't going to let Harry go. Not without a fight.

"Harry's just fine where he is. We are not letting those awful people have him. I am his godfather. Don't you think two wizards would be better protection then a bunch of self absorbed muggles? Harry is not going anywhere." He all, but growels out. Remus placed a hand on his shoulder which was immediately shook off. He steps up beside Sirius.

"They hated Lily and James. Wouldn't it be better if Harry grew up not only safe, but loved? You can't tell me that they will give him the life he deserves. Not the way they feel about wizards." Remus kept his voice calm. He was careful with his words. He didn't want Sirius to get anymore agitated then he already was.

This time it was Minerva who spoke. "I think they are right. I went to tell them of their death. They acted like I had told them it was about to rain. I am not sure they even know about little Harry. They seemed appalled that one of 'our kind' even dared to darken their doorstep. We can put up wards just in case, but rumor has it that you-know-who was defeated and his followers have gone into hiding. If we keep Harry here there will also be easier protection from the Order."

Dumbledore seemed to be thinking it over and after a long while he nods. "Very well. It seems as if I am outnumbered. The Order will help ward the house and keep an ear out for any trouble. I will agree under one condition. If there comes a time that Harry is in danger, you must agree to do what's best. For Harry.".

Sirius seemed to wanna fight, but Remus stepped up. For now they were able to take Harry and he didn't want to push it. "We agree." He says quickly and Sirius sighs, but nods in agreement.

Dumbledore smiles. "Wonderful. Well we will be on our way. I also wanted to tell you both, a memorial for James and Lily will be tomorrow at Godric's Hollow. Everything will be taken care of per their wishes." He States. "We will see you then." And with that Dumbledore walks out and with a crack apparates off the porch.

Minerva closes the distance between herself and the boys. She first pulls Sirius into her arms in a tight embrace before letting him go and embracing Remus. "I know you boys have been through a lot and I can't imagine how you are feeling, but know you are not alone and help will always be given when asked for it." She places a gentle hand on Harry's for a moment and just looks at him. She knew he would be loved and cared for with them. She bids them goodbye before also taking her leave and the house falls into silence.

"That went better then I thought." Sirius says looking down at Harry. He uses his sleeve to wipe away some of the breakfast that didn't make it to the boys mouth.

Remus nods in agreement. "We still need to get some supplies for him. We can turn the study into his room. I think that would work. Then maybe tomorrow....after everyone leaves we can maybe get some of his stuff from their house.". He knew he didn't have to explain who they were, but he felt like not saying their name was another way to deny it ever happened. He wanted to go to Godric's Hollow tomorrow and find it had all been some nightmare. "I think it would be best he has things he is used to and things that his parents got for him..." He trails off and Sirius only manages a tight nod. Remus drops the conversation.

After lunch they had put Harry down for a nap and started clearing out the study. Books were placed in their room and the small writing desk was placed in the living room. The room didn't have that much in it to begin with so it didn't keep them busy as long as they wanted it to, but it was a good thing it didn't because Harry was awake by the time they finished.

Remus took his turn to go change him, and softly pleaded with him to just stay still for one moment. Harry giggled and squirmed. He finally got the diaper on him and grins softly "Ha! Uncle Moony wins."

Harry claps his little hands. "Moon moon!" Remus pulls him close "Close enough, little fawn."

Dinner was a quiet affair and both men barely touched the food in front of them. As dinner went on Harry atarted to became more agitated until he started to wail. He stopped eating and pounded his little fists on the table. Nothing the men did would calm him until Harry sobbed out two words.

"Ma! Da!"

Sirius' eyes filled with tears. "He misses them I think...." He realized. He wished like hell he could bring them back or even take their place. It broke his heart that he would grow up without them.

They try rocking him, but he just squirmed and yelled louder. The bath they tried was worse because the squirming was now accompanied by him being slippery and wet. It took everything to not break down and cry with him. In the end all they could do was place him between them on the bed and whisper soft words to the screaming infant until he finally cried himself to sleep.

  
Remus slowly sits up and moves to get off the bed when a gentle hand reached over and grabbed his own.

"Stay tonight?" Sirius whispered.

Remus thought about it for a moment before nodding softly. He lays back down, but Sirius doesn't let his hand go and Remus doesn't pull away. For the moment it was a lifeline keeping them both afloat. Tomorrow was going to be hell for them both and to finally accept the reality of the situation. A situation they hadn't even had time to grieve yet. Sirius carefully pulls his hand to his lips kissing it softly. His eyes bright with unshed tears. Remus gave his hand a reasurring squeeze.

It was a start.

 

 


	3. When Reality Sinks In

"It's time to live with what we have and mourn what we lost."

\- Lev Grossman (The Magicians)

 

Remus watched the sun rise through the window not having fallen asleep yet. His hand still clutched tightly with Sirius'. They both stayed still, not wanting to wake Harry. Every once and a while Sirius would pull Remus' hand close and kiss it softly. Every time brought tears to his eyes and made him thankful for the dark room.

It wasn't too long before the little boy between them started to wake. He stretched and rubbed his sleepy little eyes. They we're still puffy from crying all night. Remus let go of Sirius' hand after giving it a soft kiss and sat up.

"Hey kiddo. " He says softly. Harry makes grabby hands for his uncle and Remus picks him up. "I am sure you are wet. Let's change you.". Remus looks over and sees Sirius is awake and staring at the wall. He runs his hands through the other male's hair for a moment until he sees him relax and leans in and kisses his head softly.

Remus pulls back and goes to change Harry. He knew it was all catching up to Sirius. It was to him too, but he had to be there for him; and Harry. He had to keep his head on straight for them. After he changes Harry he takes a wet clothes and gently wipes his face and puffy eyes. "Poor little fawn. I bet that feels better, huh? Let's go get you something to eat and see if we can get Uncle Padfoot up."

Harry claps his little hands "Pafoo'!!". Remus lets himself smile a little."I know. He is the fun uncle." He picks Harry up and takes him to the kitchen to feed him.

"We really need to get some groceries. You can't live off oatmeal." He says softly as he feeds him another spoonful. When the bowl was empty he cleans the wiggling child up and takes him back to the bedroom. He frowns seeing Sirius still in bed.

"Sirius, you need to get up. We have to shower. Get ready....get Harry ready..."he trails off as a lump forms in his throat.

"No..." Sirius whispers. It was so soft the other man barely heard it.

"No?" He asks with worry and confusion. Sirius sighs and Remus catches a small trail of tears down his face.

"If we go....that makes it real...that they are really...gone..." His breath hitches.

Remus takes a deep breath and sets Harry down on the bed and watches him crawl on top of his uncle and taps his head. "Up! Pafoo'!" He giggles and Sirius gently grabs the young boy in his arms. Remus sits next to Sirius and leans down, kissing his head.

"I know. I wish we didn't have to...but we have each other. We have Harry. We will get through this. For them. For Harry." He tries to keep his voice as positive as possible. He looked a lot calmer then he felt, but he did his best to push it aside. They needed someone strong. There would be plenty of time to take a moment for himself later.

He runs his fingers through Sirius' hair in silence for a few moments before he sat up. Remus leaned in and kissed his cheek before taking Harry back so he could get up and get ready. Remus sat Harry on the bed and watched him carefully as he got himself changed. He would have Sirius watch him tonight to get in his shower.

Harry sat quietly with his thumb in his mouth, but there was only so much sitting still a little boy could take. He slowly made his way to the edge of the bed. Remus looked over and picked him up fast before he fell over the edge.  
"Be careful little fawn. That is a long drop for you." He kisses his head asSirius comes back in wearing a towel and digging through the closet.

Remus would normally make them breakfast, but he had a feeling neither of them would eat it anyways. He took a deep breath as he held Harry. Today would be a long day for everyone.

Once Sirius was dressed, Harry reached for him and Sirius pulled him into his arms. Remus pushed some hair out of his face. "You ready?" He asks softly. Sirius sighs and says "Let's get this over with.". Anyone who didn't know Sirius would find that a callous remark, but he knew Sirius didn't mean it that way. A lot has happened and it was still a lot to process. Remus grabs a bag on the way out to get some of Harry's stuff when all was said and done.

"Hold on tight, buddy." Sirius says pulling him tight to his chest. He takes Remus' hand with his free hand and with a crack they apperated away. By the time they appear at Godric's Hollow, there were already people gathered for the memorial. When they were spotted, several people came over, mostly to see Harry. Sirius refused to relinquish his hold on the child, no matter who asked to see him. Harry was like his lifeline in the haze of grief he was feeling.

Sirius' was sure he didn't hear half of what was said as people shared memories of Lilly and James. Nothing felt real. Like a dream he was hoping to wake up from. There were lot of people who showed up to share their condolences. The pair had touched many lives in their short time on Earth. From friends, to classmates from Hogwarts, and teachers all made their way to celebrate the couple.

Harry was pretty well behaved and cuddled into his uncle's arms the entire time. Sirius wondered if he knew this was the last time he would be in this house or if he was waiting for his parents to come out of one of the rooms. Hell, Sirius was half expecting it himself. He wanted to deny the whole thing even happened. He looked to his side and then realized Remus was no longer there. He scans the room in search of him when he is startled by a hand on his shoulder. He whips around only to come face to face with McGonagall. She gives him a sad, but kind smile.

"He is out back." She says simply and holds her arms out for Harry. "Let me take Harry for a bit while you go out there."

Sirius looked at her for a moment and then reluctantly handed over the little boy he had refused to part with all day. He knew that Harry would be more then safe with her and he trusted her completely. Someone else needed him more right now. She takes Harry and steps aside for him to get by.

Sirius makes his way out back to find Remus sitting against an old oak tree wiping softly at his eyes. He felt a little guilty. He had been so lost in his own pain that he didn't even think about the fact that he wasn't the only one who lost people. He didn't notice that the other had been trying to hold himself together and be there for him and he felt like he should have done better to reciprocate.

Sirius walked up to the tree, rustling leaves on the way so he didn't completely take him by surprise. When Remus heard the crunching of leaves he wiped his eyes fast and took a deep breath. "Hey Pads..". He says ready to get up until Sirius sat down beside him and took his hand.

"What are you doing out here?" He asks and kisses the side of his head tenderly wiping at newly forming tears in the others eyes. "You know you don't have to hide. You don't have to be strong all the time. We are both hurting. You can lean on me too." He says softly and tucks a strand of hair behind his ear.

Remus was quiet for a moment as if contemplating what to say. He picks at a stray thread on his pants and softly whispers, "Did they think I was the traitor too?" His voice cracks.

Sirius sucked in a breath. His heart hurt even more at the statement. Their family was gone and Remus was holding in the thought that they believed he broke their trust. That they died thinking he sold them out. Sirius took his hand and lifted Remus' chin to look him in the eyes.

"I want you to look at me and listen. Really listen to me. They never for one moment thought it was you. I should never have thought that of you in the first place. In fact, when I brought it up, Lily was so livid at the idea that I was sure she would have slapped me had she not been holding Harry. You were so secretive and distant. The war got into my head. I felt like I was going crazy. I know I said a lot of hateful things to you that night and I know I can't take them back and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you let me. I'm so sorry Moony." He whispers.

Remus closes his eyes as the tears fall faster. "I said some pretty nasty things too....you are not the only one who has making up to do. I know why you did it. I kept too much from you. I shouldn't have."

Sirius shakes his head. "I won't let you take the blame for this." He leans in an gently kisses him. "You and Harry are my world. I love you so much." His voice chokes out.

Remus wraps his arms around the other and burries his face into Sirius' neck and finally lets himself sob. Sirius wraps his arms around him and holds him tight, rubbing his back softly and let the other man cry. The heart wrenching sobs cut him deep to his soul, but he knew he needed this. That he could be vaunerable in this moment. That it was his turn to be strong.

Soon the sobs died down and there was only the sound of soft breathing and the occasional hiccuping sigh. They sat there quietly for a moment before Remus sat up slowly and wiped his eyes. Sirius cupped his face gently before kissing him. He kisses him back gently before pulling away "We better get back inside..."

Sirius nods and gets up holding out his hand and helping the other up. They brush off the grass off their pants and walk back in hand and hand, hearts a little lighter then they were before. It was a start in mending what the war had taken away from them.

The day moved on, the house quiet and somber until everyone had finally left and it was just Remus, Sirius and Harry left in the house. The sudden stillness was suddenly overwhelming. The Potter's House had always been so alive with energy and now it was quiet. The trio moved to Harry's room to collect some of his things to take with them. They placed a shrinking charm on his crib and changing table so it could fit easily in the bag they brought. They picked up some of his favorite toys and clothes that also went in the bag. They wanted Harry to have the things his parents had picked for him. Remus took a photo album off the shelf and also placed that in the bag.

As they left Harry's room they came at a stop outside Lily and James room. Sirius placed a hand on the door nob as if to open it, but then shook his head and walked away. He couldn't go in there. Remus followed him back into the living room, taking a few family pictures off the walls on the way. They could hand these up in Harry's room. They would make sure Harry knew how much his parents had loved him. They took one final look around the house, the house that was once filled with so much love, and with a crack they apperated away for the last time.

That night Harry was quiet through most of the rest of the day. It was almost if he knew something was wrong, but couldn't figure it out. They had a simple dinner that all three of them only picked at and then Harry was placed in his newly decorated room. He seemed to take comfort in his crib and the small stag stuffed animal inside. Clutching the soft animal in his small hand he fell asleep.

Sirius picked up the kitchen from dinner as Remus showered. Everything between them seemed raw and vaunerable. Remus finished his shower and dressed in his night clothes before walking into the kitchen. He sees Sirius sitting at the table and pours them each a glass of fire whiskey and sits arcoss from him, handing him a glass.

"Today sucked." Sirius said gruffly as he takes asip of his drink. Remus only nods in agreement. They drink silently for A bit before Remus decides to speak.

"It was Werewolves." He says softly. Sirius gives him a puzzled look. Remus sighs. "The mission Dumbledore had me on. He had me with a pack around here. Dumbledore wanted to try and sway them to our side before you-know-who did. I don't know if I even made a difference. Some of them were so feral, I'm sure the didn't even get what I was trying to offer. That's why I was away for some of the full moons. I didn't want them to suspect anything. I am sorry I had to keep that from you. From everyone. I'm sorry.". He looks away. He knows it is too late to explain, but he felt like he needed to. "I felt like I was slowly losing myself, my humanity, the more I stayed with them, but I had to do it. No one else could have." His voiced cracked. He felt Sirius reach over and take his hands in his own.

"I am so sorry you had to go through that alone. I can't imagine it. I'm sorry I doubted you for a moment." He leans forward and kisses his scarred hands. Remus sits silently not knowing what else to say. Sirius stands up and pulls him to his feet. "Come on. We could both use some sleep.". He leads him to the bedroom, shutting the light off as they leave the kitchen.

He leads Remus to the bed and pulls his down with him before wrapping his arms tightly around him. Remus wound his arms back around the other man.

""I love you." Sirius says against the others soft hair. Remus tightened his grip around Sirius.

"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long! I hope to have the next chapter done sooner. Thanks for those who have left kudos, suscribed, or commented on this! Love you all!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> If you want you can come find me on tumblr [HERE](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ispeakbark/)


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